Marriage

Craig and I had a talk yesterday, it didn't start off real well, but in the end I think it was good! He called me in the morning while I was at work. I was on the phone with a patient and my cell phone rings twice, one right after the other. He finally calls on the private line asking for me. I get on the phone and he starts asking about some entries in the check book that I put. I tell him what they are and he starts yelling at me that it's not explained in there. I asked him if we could talk about this later, but he says no. Now I just get angry. I tell him that I refuse to talk to him about this right now, that I am at work and I will call him back later, but that I am hanging up. He didn't like that too much but said bye and hung up.

I don't like it when he does stuff like that and he has done it before. I am sitting there fuming, so I get up, go outside and call him on my cell phone. I told him that what he did was not cool. He comes back with "Well I'm not a cool person" Anyway, we start to talk and it comes out through all of this that he doesn't trust me, he thinks I am leaving when I get my RN. We started to talk then, but I was at work. I asked if we could continue the conversation when I came home.

We did talk, and it saddens me that he feels like I will leave. I know that I thought about that in the past, but I really want my marriage to work. But for it to work we have work at it. I asked him yesterday if I never changed, if I was the same messy, overweight, lazy person for the rest of my life, would he be able to love me just for who I am. He never said yes or no, just kind of avoided the question. Now I could read into that what I wanted to. I could say that he doesn't love me, and maybe he is just waiting for me to get my RN so I can support myself and the girls before he leaves me, I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like he expects me to change but doesn't feel like he needs to change at all. I told him last night that when ever we talk and I say something he always has some way to negate what I just said, it makes me feel like that he thinks no matter what I am ALWAYS wrong. That's a hard way to live.

I did tell him that I would like for US to go to Texas, and that I thought life would be better for US there, eaiser. But if we never go then we never go. It is important for me for him to see that it isn't all about my mom and dad. I want what is best for my family and if that means staying in Jersey, then I am willing to do that. I think he is comming to realize that. We will see.