Why is it we hurt the ones we love?

I wrote this a while ago, but I thought it still fitting.

Why is it that we hurt the one we love? Is he aware how his words wound me? Does he ever feel sorry for the things that are said? Do I hurt him with what I say? I try very hard to measure my words; to watch what comes out of my mouth. I don't want to lash out with my tongue like a whip on bare flesh. I am tired of him making me dislike myself. I think I am a pretty good person. I am caring and funny, kind, loving; I also know that I am lazy, sloppy. I am not blind to my faults. But sometimes he makes me doubt myself. After the same argument, I snapped and said "Boy it must suck to live with me" and he said "Pretty much". OUCH! I know it was said in anger, but it hurt none the less and sometimes I wonder. I wonder if he truly wants to be here and if he does then, why can't he just take me like I am.

We are a busy family. He's working 50 hour weeks 60 if you include travel time. I am working part time, going to school part time, helping kids with homework (he is being more active in helping in this area since I had a mini melt down), cooking at least 3 times a week, et al. I just don't think he realizes that after all of that, I may not want to sweep or put my clean laundry away. I understand that he is a neat nick, but I am not! And apparently it drives him crazy!!!!

Bad news = Depression

Well, I went to the doctor today to get a perscription to help me stop smoking. After examining me he tells me that my blood pressure is dangerously high and I have to take blood pressure medication. How's that for a kick in the pants!? Not only that but he can't give the perscription to help me stop smoking untill my blood pressure is under control. So now I have to go and get a echo cardiogram, blood work, a mammogram and I am extemely depressed. The upshot to that is the medicine that he is going to give me for smoking has had great results!!! So hopefully when I go and see him next week this medication for my blood pressure will be working and he can give me the perscription to help me stop smoking. He said if I quit smoking it should help to bring my blood pressure down too, as well as loosing weight. Another positive is that I weigh less then I thought I did. So off to the gym I go tomorrow. He took a chest x-ray, I have to say I was holding my breath for that one (literally), all I could imagine him saying was that he saw some sort of mass on my lungs, that would have made my day. But that the Lord above that he didn't say anything of the sort. So Wednesday morning I will be going to the lab to get my blood work done. I already know what that is going to say, my cholesterol is going to be high and I hope that all that it will be.

This is probably the reason why I didn't go see him for 3 years. He told me I am a stroke waiting to happen. I wanted to tell him, "Tell me how it is doc, don't sugar coat anything." (with extreme sarcasm).

On another note, I got a 94 on my first A&P Exam! Yahoooooo!!! This Wednesday is the Lab Test. Have to name all the veins and arteries in the body. Bloody hell there's a lot of them. LOL. My girlfriend and I are going to the open lab tonight to study somemore on that although I have to say that at this point that is the last thing I want to do right now.

I came home today and told Craig he said aren't you glad you went to the doctor, and I said nooooooo. Ignorance is bliss, is my motto. I am sure I knew all of this before I went and it is probably the reason I have put it off for so long. I know that it is good for me to know and take control of the situation. But I have tried loosing weight before and haven't been very successful at it, what if I fail again? We will see how it goes.

Broken and Bruised

Does he know what his words do to me? He must not know what it does, how they play over and over in my head. Not all the time, but at times like these. Does he know how painful those are to relive? I don't understand why? Does he know what it is like to get rejected over and over and over again? How much courage it takes for me to return once again and get still be rebuffed? How can he possibly think that it is okay to say those things. I don't care if they are true, but I just got done telling you that I needed to feel wanted and then you go and make me feel even worse then I already do.

It is amazing to me how you can sleep. More so, that after I leave in tears you have the where with all to get out of bed and close the door to make sure that you are not disturbed when I come home with our daughter. Do you not care that I am hurting. That the tears continue to fall, do you not care that my heart is sore and battered...that my soul is heavy with sorrow? Do I matter to you at all???????

You say you love me, but do you love me like a husband should love his wife? Or am I just a companion that you are fond of? Am I comfortable for you like an old lumpy chair? Why must your words hurt so much?! Sometimes I feel like I am beating my head against a wall. Always the same arguements, always I must change. I am tired of it, I am tired of being the one to pour out myself completetly and be asked for more. I am so tired of not feeling good enough

Happy Valentines Day

Well, it is Valentine's day! A day to celebrate the people you love. I know that Valentine's day was founded on a pagan holiday. But I do like the idea that there is a day set aside just to celebrate the ones you love. I was fretting about what I was going to do for Craig for V-day. I was listening to the radio and they were trying to give ideas, but ideas without spending a whole lot of money. One girl called in and said that her and her boyfriend/husband made eachother thier gifts. One of the radio hosts talked aboout getting a box of kiddie valentines and on each one putting a reson why they loved their girlfriend on each one and then placeing them around the house. He said that for the next year she was finding them. So actually I think I am going to do that!

I hope everyone will have a good day!

Back to School

Well I can tell that I am back in school. It seems like I tend to post less frequently. School is going good. So far my ASL class is the one I like best. Anatomy & Physiology is the same as last semester. At least I am taking it with a friend and we are able to study together. I am not quite sure if I am going to take Micro, during the summer or if I am going to take it in the Fall. Jackie is taking it during the summer and then starting the clinical in the fall. I still need to get my CNA. I was thinking about doing that in the summer if they have it.

Other than that nothing much is happening here. I am getting a little tired of school. It just seems to be taking so much time to get there.